When my wife and I had our first child, there was little doubt that we would urge her to play athletics as my wife and I were both college basketball players. Our lives were dominated by sports when we were young, and we both wanted to make sure that our kids had the opportunity to learn, grow, and develop friendships with sports. The problem is that there is no user manual for being a youth basketball parent, which is the precise reason that I am writing this blog. Before my oldest daughter went back to college to prepare for her upcoming volleyball season, we sat down together to have a discussion of her memories of youth and high school basketball. In the end, I asked her to give me a grade. I hope you enjoy this story about her basketball journey.
The Early Years
Hailey started playing basketball at a youth league at the YMCA when she was in 2nd grade. I was an assistant coach of her teams from 2nd grade to 5th grade. In 5th grade, she began working with a personal basketball trainer on ball-handling skills, finishing moves, and shooting. Hailey was always one of the tallest girls on the court but never stood out on the floor when she was young. She tended to be a bit awkward as she was growing into her body. As one of the tallest kids on the court, every coach she had forced her to play the post position. She was never allowed to dribble during games, even though she started to develop pretty good handles from working with the personal trainer. Her shot and footwork also started to improve as she grew older, but she did not get many shots during the games. It is sometimes tough to be the post at the youth ages.
Hailey recently shared with me that she enjoyed the game when she was younger, but slowly, her love of the game started to wear down due to some challenges with youth coaches. She told me some stories that she remembers to this day.
- She remembered in 5th grade playing against her childhood friend, Olivia Sobczak. Olivia’s dad and I were teammates on our college basketball team. She entered the game, ran up to Olivia, hugged her, and said hello. Her coach got angry with her and told her that she could not be friendly with the competition.
- She forgot to take out her earrings in one game, and the ref stopped the game. The coach ended up pulling her and chastizing her for this error.
- In sixth grade, the coach took her aside and told her she should consider finding a different sport. This one really hurt.
- In 7th grade, she suffered a high ankle sprain and was forced to miss two months of the season. This was an issue for her coach because they did not have that many players. As the injury persisted, the coach alluded to the fact that she should be able to return and that she may have been faking a bit. She suspected that she was faking because of Hailey’s Volleyball Team obligations. My wife and I were forced to prove it to the coach by taking my daughter to an orthopedic specialist who confirmed the injury for the coach.
- During her 8th grade AAU season, the coaches gave her an extraordinarily short leash. One little mistake, and she was pulled from the game. This really bruised her confidence.
Hailey, at age 20, looking back, commented that she felt the youth coaches care way too much about winning. She told me the coaches made it about them instead of the kids.
Youth Basketball Parent Behavior
There is no doubt in my mind that I contributed to her negative experiences with basketball. Looking back, I feel that my behavior was brutal towards her. I expected perfection and expected her to be a scorer. I yelled at the referees and made a spectacle of myself. Hailey told me that she felt that not only was she pressured on the court, but she felt it as well when she got in the car after the game. The criticism just continued with me and the rest of the family. My come to Jesus moment was when she played a game at Oak Creek during her 7th-grade season. I felt like she played awful, and I cornered her in the hallway and made her cry. Looking back, I still feel unbelievably awful about it. The good news is that the longer I was involved in youth sports, the more I learned, which led to changes in my behavior. It was important for me to finally learn that it was not about me and to focus on the development of the child’s skills away from the games. That is where I could make the most difference. It was a real chore to curb my competitive drive and focus on the important things associated with my child and her athletics. This is the precise reason I feel so strongly about sharing these experiences.
High School
Through all of the trials and tribulations of her youth basketball experience, Hailey was brought up to the Varsity Basketball Team as a freshman. Her coach in High School was very intense. She told me that he did not make practices and games fun. Her discontent with the game grew and grew during her Freshman and Sophomore seasons. During this time, she also made varsity as a Freshman with the volleyball team. She started having great success with her High School and her AAU teams for volleyball. I believe that she found her niche with another sport. At the end of her Sophomore season, she came to my wife and me to tell us that she had made the decision to quit basketball. While I understood her decision, I was definitely floored by and disagreed with it. I did not, however, stop her. Her volleyball skills grew and grew, and then she secured a Division 1 scholarship to play volleyball at Presbyterian College in South Carolina.
Report Card
Sitting down with Hailey a couple of weeks ago, I asked her to grade me as a Youth Basketball Parent. I braced myself for a really negative grade, but to my surprise, it was not that bad. She gave me a B+. I asked her why she did not give me a worse grade with some of the craziness that we went through. She told me that through everything, I kept telling her that I believed in her even when she felt that the whole world was against her. She said that, right up until the end, I kept telling her how good she was and that she would still be able to play in college. She said that while I could be tough, she knew I loved her and that I had her best interest in mind. I must have done a few things correctly. Brings a tear to my eye.
Conclusion
I wish I could go back in a time machine and do it all over again. If I did, I would change my behavior in the following ways:
- Stress the importance of having fun with the games despite a win or loss.
- I would not provide any criticism of her play until we were alone in the driveway at least a day or two after the game.
- I would select the favorite play she made that day and talk about it in the car on the way home.
- I would be more vocal with the youth coaches in a professional manner to ensure my child had opportunities to develop her full skill set.
- I would try to enjoy the whole experience with the wisdom that the youth basketball wins or losses do not mean anything in the big picture.
I hope that you found some value in this article. I am deeply appreciative for letting me share my experiences with you. If you enjoy the blog, please go to www.youthbasketballparent.com.