While watching a basketball game with a girls’ basketball coach I highly respect, we started discussing mistakes the players kept repeating. Then she turned to me and said, “Gary, you only get from your players what you allow.”
Simple words, but they stuck with me.
At first, I thought about what that meant for coaching basketball. Then I started thinking about what it meant for me as a parent. Whether we are coaching a team or raising children, setting expectations is only part of the job. We also have to follow through—and recognize when someone gets it right.
Set Clear Expectations—and Follow Through
If a coach does not establish clear expectations, why should they be surprised when players fail to meet them?
Most coaches explain what they want from their teams. But explaining an expectation and holding players accountable for it are two different things. If the same mistakes keep happening without correction, the message can get lost.
Former Wisconsin Badgers coach Bo Ryan was a good example. He set the expectation that turning the ball over was unacceptable. If one of his players committed a turnover, he would pull that player out of the game. This was a clear and consistent way to communicate the standard and hold players accountable. His expectations had consequences, and his players understood that.
Do you see that kind of consistency in your child’s high school or club program?
As much as the coach’s comment applied to basketball, I kept coming back to how it applied at home. And, in my case, that meant taking a look at the kitchen sink.
The Lesson at the Kitchen Sink
Recently, I have been on a self-improvement kick. One habit I decided to change was leaving dishes for later. I wanted to help my wife and address something that consistently irritated me: a messy kitchen.
In the past, I would make lunch or dinner and leave the dishes sitting out, figuring I would get to them eventually. My kids saw that and followed my example. If Dad could leave dishes on the counter or in the sink, why couldn’t they?
I had helped establish the very habit that bothered me.
So I changed what I was doing. I became much more consistent about cleaning up and made it clear that I expected the kids to do the same.
Of course, setting an expectation does not mean everyone immediately follows it.
When I catch one of my daughters leaving a dish in the sink, one of my favorite things to do is call her over and announce that I am holding a class on how to load the dishwasher. I explain that she nearly got it right by making it to the sink, but getting that plate the extra two feet to the dishwasher makes all the difference.
That is my attempt to mix accountability with a little humor.
Sometimes, though, my humor misses the mark.
The other day, I got home from work and texted my wife a picture of our unmade bed. I asked her what was wrong with the picture.
NOT a smart idea! She did not see the humor in it.
Apparently, I still have a few things to learn about how I deliver a message.
Notice When They Get It Right
Expectations and accountability matter, but so does encouragement.
Some coaches are quick to point out a mistake and much quieter when a player does something well. A well-timed word of praise can help a player understand that their effort and improvement are being noticed.
If we are going to correct players when they fall short, we should also recognize them when they meet the standard.
The same goes for parenting.
It is easy to notice the dish left in the sink. Do we notice when our children clean up without being asked? Do we acknowledge the effort, thoughtfulness, and responsibility we want to see more often?
Praise does not have to be elaborate. Sometimes, a simple thank-you is enough.
I also try to make a point of telling my children that I am proud of them and that I love them. Sometimes that takes the form of a text with nothing more than a heart.
I bet many of you do the same thing.
Recognizing good choices matters. So does making sure our children hear that we love them on ordinary days, when there is no accomplishment to celebrate.
Start With Our Own Example
That coach’s comment stayed with me because it challenged me to look at what I was allowing—and what I was modeling.
I could not expect my children to take responsibility for their dishes while I kept leaving mine for someone else. The expectation became clearer when I started following it myself.
For me, that is the connection between coaching and parenting: explain what matters, demonstrate it, follow through, and offer encouragement along the way.
And keep a little humor in the process. Just be careful about texting your wife pictures of an unmade bed.
Our time with our children moves quickly. I want mine to remember that I expected them to be responsible, but also that I noticed their efforts, appreciated them, and loved them.
How do you balance expectations, accountability, and encouragement in your home? I would love to hear from you at youthbasketballparent@gmail.com.
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