As a man charged with a crime, the law provides me with the Miranda Right to Remain Silent. I am formally waiving my right and would like to submit a confession to four specific counts of crimes committed against my daughter. I formally lay myself on the mercy of the readers of the Youth Basketball Parent blog.
To fully understand my crimes, I believe that we need to start at the very beginning. It is 1989, and my East Troy Trojan team is playing for a regional championship against the 23-0 Palmyra-Eagle Panthers. We are winning 87-86 with 7 seconds left in the game. Our point guard is at the line shooting a 1 and 1. He shoots and misses. The other team’s best player gets the rebound and dribbles up court. He pulls up at the elbow and shoots a 15 footer. He misses! The entire crowd storms the court jumping up, down, and around. East Troy has won its first regional championship in 15 years. That, however, is not the most significant thing that occurred that day. Somewhere in the crowd, a freshman girl found me in the middle of the court and hugged me. Ten years later, that girl became my wife.
When we married, I always joked that it was an arranged union of the two greatest basketball families in East Troy. My wife was a standout player at East Troy and ended up playing at UW-LaCrosse. I finished at East Troy as the all-time leading rebounder and went on to play at Beloit College. Her brother was a prolific scorer. He broke the all-time scoring record at East Troy and went on to play at the United States Naval Academy. My brother was an All-Conference player at East Troy going on to play at Lakeland College. On top of that, both of our fathers were excellent high school players at Pulaski and Oconomowoc high schools ((Is it fair? | Yahoo Answers. https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20150626055206AAl11ar)). As you can imagine, basketball was a big part of our lives. The pressure to become a great player was intense.
About three years into our marriage, we decided to start a family ((Fat Burning Bikini Body – Hitch Fit. https://hitchfit.com/bikini-model/bikini-model-success-stories/fat-burning-to-bikini-body/)). I remember coming home from work and my wife telling me that I forgot to get the mail. As I walked to the mailbox thinking to myself why she did not get the mail herself, I opened the box and found one letter. This letter was bizarre since it did not have a stamp, nor was it addressed to anyone. I opened it, and it was a card with a picture of a stork. I remember thinking to myself that my son was on the way. The next generation of Grocholski basketball players has begun. Nine months later, my wife delivered a baby girl, and my whole life changed. My child’s journey toward basketball greatness has begun. What I didn’t know was that my life of crime also started on that day.
Count 1 — Vanity
One of the biggest lessons for a basketball parent to learn is that it is not about you. It is about your son or daughter. I am guilty of making the success of my daughter a reflection of who I am as a person and parent. The harsh reality is that who I was as a player is no longer relevant. I was more worried about what other people thought about me rather than how I could be helpful and supportive to my daughter.
Reflecting on those days, I would still be firm trying to build the value of a solid work ethic with her, but I would have been more supportive by treating her like a partner rather than an employee. I would have focused on pointing out the good things that she did on the court first. Then, after a day or two, I would take her to the driveway and positively work with her on the areas she needed to improve.
Count 2 — Envy
When my daughter was in 4th and 5th grade, I would go to her youth games and watch the players on her team and the opposing team handling the ball and making shots. I remember wishing that my daughter was as good as those players. It drove me nuts. The more I thought of it, the more pressure I ended up placing on my child to achieve that same kind of success ((The more I thought of it the more I became convinced that …. https://www.coursehero.com/file/p7fdlgl/The-more-I-thought-of-it-the-more-I-became-convinced-that-if-I-did-not-write-of/)). Thinking back at my behavior, I was acting like a complete idiot, but it taught me a fundamental lesson. Youth basketball players progress at different speeds. Some see success early but fade as they grow up. Others start great and continue improving throughout their career. For my daughter, her path was a slow start but improving a little bit every year. The important lesson is to be patient and be laser-focused on teaching the fundamentals of basketball day after day and year after year.
Count 3 — Wrath
You would think that a grown man could control his anger and behavior while coaching a team or merely watching a youth basketball game. You would also believe that the same man could control his temper when dealing with a beautiful little girl. You would be wrong. I have had situations where I had yelled at officials to the point of getting kicked out of the gym. I have gotten in disputes with opposing team parents and as well as the parents on my daughter’s team. I have openly criticized other parent’s children and coaches in front of my daughters. There is hope, however. One incident changed everything for me.
When Hailey was in 7th grade, she was playing in a tournament at Oak Creek High School. During their games, Hailey and her team played horribly. I had thought it was the worst display of basketball I had ever seen in my life. All of that time and effort of working on her game was not producing results. I took her into the hallway and berated her in public. She started to cry. It was at this point that I saw her as my child and not just a basketball player. My anger had gotten the better of me, and I hurt her feelings ((Devil’s Father Chapter 7: Becoming a Hypocrite, a Naruto …. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10918200/7/Devil-s-Father)). This was a turning point for me. Year after year, my behavior has improved. This is a parenting lesson that I sincerely hope that you do not have to learn by experience.
Count 4 — Murder
As the years progressed, she went from one lousy basketball experience to another. Of course, she was not to blame. I had moved her to 4 different clubs. That was not the answer. There were times that she played well and other times where she barely played at all. Even with everything that she had been through, she made the varsity team during her freshman year and then became a starter in her sophomore year. What I did not realize is that she was not playing the game for the fun of it. If fact, she did not enjoy the game at all. She was playing solely for me. I believe that she was afraid that if she stopped playing that I would be upset and perhaps not love her anymore. My behavior was a contributing factor to her giving up the game. At the end of her sophomore year, she mustered the strength to tell me that she decided to give up the game and focus on volleyball. I was crushed. I had killed basketball for her.
Conclusion
You might have read this article and thought to yourself that these things would never happen to me. Don’t be too sure. I am hopeful that my errors in behavior and judgment will serve as a cautionary tale for you.
The key lessons that I learned are summarized below.
- It is about the child and not you, the parent.
- Focus on who your child is, not what you want her to become.
- Control your anger and behavior at all times.
- Build the love for the game but realize that they might find a different path.
I wanted to let you know that there was a happy ending for my oldest daughter ((AirBnB: Hi there. I wanted to let you know that there is a …. https://gethuman.com/issue/AirBnB/Qdkm/Hi-there-I-wanted-to-let-you-know-that-there-is-a-man-that-is-advertising-long-term-le)). In high school, her confidence as a young lady shot through the roof. Her talent in the sport of volleyball ended up growing and growing. In the summer after her junior year, she received a full scholarship offer to play volleyball for Division 1 Presbyterian College in South Carolina. There is an excellent story about how this happened, but I will save that for a future article.
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