Photo Credit: Gopher Athletics
At a basketball tournament where my daughter was playing, something happened that I had never personally experienced before.
A fight broke out involving parents from one team and members of the opposing coaching staff.
I had certainly heard stories about incidents like this. I had seen videos online of parents fighting at youth sporting events. But it feels very different when something like that happens at a tournament your own child is attending.
Thankfully, neither my daughter nor I was in the gym when the incident occurred.
Later, however, I was able to watch video of what happened.
I found it disturbing.
Several people were punching and kicking a man who had already fallen to the floor. What also struck me was the reaction of the person recording the altercation. Instead of sounding frightened or concerned, he appeared almost excited by what he was witnessing.
I couldn’t understand it.
Maybe I am simply wired differently, but watching several adults attack someone on the floor wasn’t entertaining to me.
It was sickening.
Afterward, I began thinking about my daughters.
As parents, we spend tremendous amounts of time teaching our children how to play sports. We teach them how to shoot, pass, defend, communicate, and compete.
But sometimes sports unexpectedly give us an opportunity to teach something far more important.
This incident became one of those opportunities.
I sat down with my daughters and talked with them about what had happened. The conversation eventually centered around three lessons that I believe extend far beyond basketball.
Actions Have Consequences
The first lesson may sound obvious:
Your words and actions have consequences.
But I don’t think young people always fully understand how quickly one decision can change the direction of a situation.
A comment that seems harmless to one person may deeply offend someone else.
A sarcastic remark can escalate an argument.
A moment of anger can turn into an action that cannot be taken back.
And once something is said or done, we cannot always control what happens next.
I told my daughters that this does not mean they should live their lives afraid to speak.
I don’t want them to avoid expressing an opinion simply because someone might disagree with them.
I want them to have convictions.
I want them to stand up for themselves and for things they believe are right.
But I also want them to understand that maturity requires thinking about consequences.
Before reacting emotionally, ask yourself:
What happens next if I say this?
What happens if I do this?
Am I making the situation better or worse?
That pause can matter.
The older I get, the more I believe that one of the greatest forms of maturity is the ability to separate what we feel like doing in a particular moment from what we should actually do.
Basketball teaches this constantly.
A referee makes a terrible call.
An opponent talks trash.
A coach says something you disagree with.
A teammate makes a mistake.
You can react emotionally.
Or you can make a decision.
Those are not always the same thing.
I encouraged my daughters to choose their words and actions carefully—not because they should be afraid of the world, but because they should understand that every choice carries consequences.
Avoid Violence Whenever Possible
The second part of our conversation dealt directly with what we had witnessed.
Violence.
I am not naive enough to believe that violence does not exist or that my daughters will never encounter threatening situations.
They may.
The world is not always peaceful.
There may even be circumstances where protecting yourself or someone else from immediate harm becomes necessary.
But I told my daughters something I strongly believe:
Do everything reasonably possible to avoid getting to that point.
I have been involved in confrontations during my own life.
Looking back, I cannot think of a single situation where violence ultimately made anything better.
Even when I believed I was justified in the moment, there was usually regret afterward.
Once punches are thrown, control of the situation begins disappearing quickly.
Someone falls.
Someone gets seriously injured.
Police become involved.
Jobs can be lost.
Reputations can be damaged.
Criminal charges can follow.
And sometimes one terrible decision changes several lives.
The situation I watched on video supposedly began around a basketball game.
Think about how absurd that is.
A game played by kids.
Parents and coaches are supposed to be the adults in the gym.
We should be the people demonstrating how to handle disappointment, competition, bad calls, frustration, and conflict.
Instead, sometimes we become the worst example.
I told my daughters that walking away does not make someone weak.
Keeping your composure is not cowardice.
In many situations, self-control requires considerably more strength than throwing a punch.
If you can leave, leave.
If you can de-escalate the situation, do it.
If you need help, get help.
Protect yourself when necessary, but never allow pride or anger to turn an argument into something much worse.
No basketball game is worth that.
Very few things are.
Life Is Not Always Fair
The third lesson may be the most difficult one for young people to accept.
Life is not always fair.
Neither is basketball.
There may be times when a player believes she deserves to start, but the coach chooses someone else.
She may work extremely hard and still sit on the bench.
A referee may make the wrong call.
A teammate may receive recognition your child believes she deserved.
Eventually, those situations extend beyond sports.
You may believe you deserve a promotion at work and watch someone else receive it.
You may treat someone well and not receive the same treatment in return.
You may do everything correctly and still experience disappointment.
That can be difficult to accept.
As parents, I think we sometimes unintentionally teach our children that if they work hard enough, everything will eventually go exactly the way they want.
I don’t believe that is always true.
Hard work improves your chances.
A good attitude improves your chances.
Preparation improves your chances.
But there are still things beyond our control.
That is why I have continually tried to teach my daughters to focus their energy on the things they can control.
Their attitude.
Their effort.
Their preparation.
Their response to adversity.
If you want more playing time, don’t spend all your energy complaining about the coach.
Improve your game.
Become a better defender.
Become stronger.
Improve your ball handling.
Shoot more consistently.
Become so valuable that it becomes increasingly difficult for the coach to keep you off the floor.
You cannot completely control the decision.
You can control how prepared you are when the opportunity arrives.
That lesson applies everywhere.
We cannot control whether life will always treat us fairly.
We can control what we do next.
What Sports Are Supposed to Teach
The fight at that tournament did not change my belief in youth sports.
If anything, it reminded me why sports can be so valuable.
Athletics places young people into situations where emotions are real.
There is pressure.
There is competition.
There are winners and losers.
There are bad calls.
There are disagreements.
There is frustration.
There is disappointment.
And there is joy.
Those experiences give parents opportunities to talk with our children about how they respond when things do not go their way.
That may ultimately matter more than anything happening on the scoreboard.
I wish the incident had never occurred.
I wish the adults involved had handled the situation differently.
But once it happened, I had a choice as a parent.
I could simply shake my head, complain about how terrible everyone behaved, and move on.
Or I could use it.
So I sat down with my daughters.
We talked about consequences.
We talked about violence.
We talked about fairness.
And we talked about the kind of people I hope they become when they eventually encounter difficult situations without their parents standing beside them.
That may be one of our most important responsibilities as sports parents.
We cannot protect our children from every ugly moment they will encounter.
But when those moments happen, we can help them understand what they witnessed.
We can ask questions.
We can listen.
And hopefully, we can help them become better prepared for the world beyond the basketball court.
Sometimes sports teach our children through great coaches, wonderful teammates, championships, and unforgettable victories.
And sometimes the lesson comes from watching adults demonstrate exactly what not to do.
Either way, there is something to learn.